A dream analysis and conclusion

I dreamt that I was at my childhood home and an old friend from high school was there with me. Our next door neighbor, an older gentleman, kept knocking at the gate and asking when my parents were coming back and I kept telling him I don’t know. He looked worried and anxious, as if pressed for time and worried that if my parents didn’t arrive soon something bad was going to happen.

I was idly walking around the house when I saw a coffin inside my childhood bedroom through the window. I immediately ran to my friend and asked her if she knew about the coffin and what it was doing there. She said my parents had started a body freezing service(dead bodies) and that’s why the old man was worried. It had been there for four days. My parents had gone to bring a freezing machine but had been held up for some reason.

I became so scared. How was I going to sleep in the same room as the dead body? I couldn’t do it. “Luckily” my parents arrived not long after with the machine and assured the old man it was all going to be okay.

They called me and my friend to my room so that we could help them transfer the body into the machine. I was really torn inside. I wanted to help, I wanted to show them I could be reliable but I was truly afraid. As for my friend, I could see she was scared too but there was no choice but to get in there and do it.

When I went into the room and got closer to the coffin I finally cracked, I told them that I had never seen a dead-body before let alone touch one. That I was afraid that if I did this I was going to have nightmares.

My father discreetly opened the coffin and took a look inside and there was a look of terror and disgust on his face. He turned to my mother and said something in the likes of “Yeah, maybe she shouldn’t do it this time. This body is destroyed(rotten). She can sit this one out”. My mother went to take a look and she had the same reaction. My friend volunteered, same look too.

I was excused to leave the room and as I was leaving I could see the three of them working together to carry the body from the coffin into the machine.

I had mixed feelings, grateful for being understood and guilty for not being able to help.

After they were done they came into the living room where I had served them carrots(for some reason) and my mother went straight to take them. I shrieked!! “Please wash your hands before you eat them”. They both insisted that they had used hand sanitizer after touching the body but I just wouldn’t let it go.

Eventually I decided that I would not eat the carrots with them whether they washed their hands or not but I just couldn’t bring myself to watch them not wash their hands before eating the carrots. “Please, there’s a sink and soap over there. For me, please wash your hands first.”

My mother complied, my father did not. He made a speech about trusting science and went on to eat the carrots by hand.

My mother then turned to me and said, “Sometimes I wonder what you’re going to do in life. You’re so sensitive. You’ve always been so sensitive.”. All of the sudden I felt like this was a moment to make a proud announcement and maybe show that I’m not that bad. So I said, now looking straight at my father, “Actually, Theo(my partner) and I are going to call the bank this week and ask to get life insurance.”

“Ah…”, said my father,”..that way if something were to happen to him you will be taken care of. That’s the smartest thing I’ve heard come out of you two.”

As soon as he said that I came back to my senses. I was so disappointed with myself for falling into the trap of seeking approval. Also it was my mother who expressed concern, why did I feel the need to pander to my father? I also felt ashamed for not feeling confident enough to be able to take care of myself if my partner wasn’t here. Amongst the inner struggle and emotional turmoil, I woke up.

Take away/ analysis:

The dead body is the requirements of what is considered to be a productive member of society, as I understand it to be or as I’ve been brought up to believe it to be. A thing I’ve always wanted to be but couldn’t. It became even more apparent to me that I was incapable of fulfilling this vision when my peers, presented my friend in the dream, joined society and were everything my parents wished me to be. I saw how hard it was for my friends at the beginning and how they eventually morphed into the kind of people society wanted them to be. As a kid I was hyper aware of the difficulties my parents endured at their workplace, the financial stress that always loomed over our heads (despite the fact that they did way better than most people I knew). I saw them chase after goals I did not understand. But in the end they did it all with gritted teeth to be able to make a great living and part of the contract was one day that will be me doing the same thing. A contract I tried to fulfill over and over again but at the end something inside me always stops me from going further. The things I think I should be are so far from my true nature and paradoxically I still look down at my true nature because it’s far from anything I recognize as respectable, or even normal. The good news is I’m starting to know there’s something here waiting for me to learn to get friendly with it. (Mini-take away, love and accept your nature)

The carrots represent that I can’t help but share what I think is good, for the body or for the soul. I can’t help but share my version of love which comes in the form of acts of service, which includes sharing information.. But I’m learning to accept that what is true/good for me might not be universally true/good for everybody. Sometimes you’ve just got to let it go and let people eat their carrots however they want.

Second take away, the weird relationship I have with my parents. I feel pity for my mother but subconsciously recognize her love. She gave up so much for us, except for her church’s approval. And that’s the thing that mattered the most to me because for some reason I was never a believer, at two years old I already knew that part wasn’t for me. The torments that followed after revealing that to her didn’t help my conviction either, if anything it made me reject the whole concept of religion even more. And I feel a coldness towards my father but subconsciously look for his approval. The man who did everything he could to make you the child of his dreams but cut you off as soon as you couldn’t live up to his expectations. And even as I’m aware of the pettiness of it all, I accept it’s going to take however long it needs to take for me to heal from all that past hurt and confusion.